What kind of friend are you?
on friendship, tradeoffs, and choosing what kind of friend you will be
What kind of friend are you?
What kind of friend will you be?
These are questions we’ll all answer eventually.
Through our actions — conscious or unconscious.
Most people don’t consciously think about who they are or why they do the things they do. They just kind of do shit based on unconscious habits and beliefs that they’ve not thought deeply about.
That’s not me.
I’m a very intentional person. I rarely do things by accident. Most things in my life are calculated even if it doesn’t appear that way.
So when it comes to friendship, I’ve done my best to be intentional about the kind of friend I am / the kind of friend I aspire to be.
We never quite live up to our aspirations in life. Always coming up short of the desired end state, myself included.
The best we can do is to minimize the delta between who we are and who we aspire to be.
With that context, this is an explanation of how I think about friendship for myself — in terms of what I’m not, what I am, and what I aspire to be.
The type of friend I am not
I’m not the fun friend.
I’m not the idealized sitcom friend that somehow always has time to hang out. I won’t be at the bar every night like the friend groups idealized in Friends or How I Met Your Mother.
I won’t go to all the parties. Won’t be at every dinner. Won’t always have time to catch up.
I’m not your most spontaneous friend.
It’s unlikely that I’ll drop everything to go on a random trip to Europe with you.
I’m not the most responsive friend. I’m either incredibly responsive or take a while to get back depending on the urgency of the situation and how busy I am.
It’s not that I will never do any of those things. It’s not that I don’t want to do many of those things. Rather, it’s that we can’t be everything to all people while still being true to ourselves. There are always tradeoffs.
For me, I have chosen to live my life based on a set of goals, principles, and intentions that make it impossible to be the type of friend articulated above.
Therefore, I don’t even try. I simply will not consistently be able to do it.
The type of friend I am
I am the friend that gives a fuck. I care how you’re doing. When I ask, it’s not just for the rote “I’m fine” or “good” answers we all give. I genuinely care and want to know.
I believe in you. I’ll tell you to go for your dreams. Will say that you can do the damn thing. Will scheme with you on how to get there. Will do everything in my power to help you along your path.
I’m the friend that will choose the long-term of our friendship over my short-term self-interest. This is particularly relevant in startups where the lines between colleagues, business partners, and friends constantly blur.
I treat all friendships as lifelong friendships. My default assumption is that we’ll still be homies in some capacity when we’re 70.
I treat your friends like they’re my friends. If you have a friend that needs help and you vouch for them, I’ll do my utmost to help them as if they were you. Furthermore, I’m never done making new friends. So your friends will likely become my friends anyway.
I don’t expect anything in return from you besides your friendship. I don’t become friends with people for clout or ulterior motives. That doesn’t mean we may not end up helping each other, but I don’t keep score. If I feel like I have to keep score with you, then we’re not really friends.
I’m loyal. I’ll be your friend on your best day and your worst. I’ll be in your corner even when the whole world has written you off. Even when you’ve failed, lost your clout, run out of money, emotionally broken down, and whatever the hell else life throws.
In tech, you’re always wondering if people would still be your friends if your company fails or if the startup you work at is no longer cool or some other temporary drop in status. Those things will never change how I treat you as a friend. I don’t invest in relationships based on those things.
I’ll be there for you in your darkest hour. When shit hits the fan, you can call me and I’ll pick up. If necessary, I’ll drop everything, fly across the country, break you out of jail, start a war — whatever needs to be done.
I love you. And I have no problem telling you that I love you. Life is too short and fragile not to say the damn word
Friendship & Tradeoffs
Life is about tradeoffs. Being friends with me certainly has many.
To an extent, this is the way I choose to be. Who I choose to be.
To another, this is how I’m wired. Who I am as a person. Who I have no choice but to be.
Both are true in their own ways.
You don’t have to fuck with that. Some don’t. But the friends in my life have come to accept and/or embrace that about me. For better or worse.
I like this framing by Jordan Gonen referencing Kobe Bryant in his blog post on sacrifices.
These two quotes by Kobe Bryant are both really good…they showcase his willingness and understanding of tradeoffs:
“I have “like minds.” You know, I’ve been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hangout aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No. We want to work. I enjoy working.”
“Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a “great friend” is something I will never be. I can be a “good” friend. But not a “great” friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I’ll get so wrapped up in my s–t, I’ll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they’re usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But the kind of relationships you see in movies—that’s impossible for me. I have good relationships with players around the league. LeBron and I will text every now and then. KG and I will text every now and then. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships—that’s something I will probably never have. And it’s not some smug thing. It’s a weakness. … It’s not like I’m saying “I don’t need friends because I’m so strong.” It’s a weakness.”
I am not saying most people should be like or even care about Kobe. They should make their own tradeoffs!
I don’t know if I agree with the framing of good friend vs great friend Jordan uses above.
Maybe this is because I fear that I’m a good friend, not a great friend. But mostly, I think it’s because these things are just tradeoffs rather than black-and-white labels or generalizations.
Regardless, I wholeheartedly agree with Jordan when he says that people should “make their own tradeoffs.”
So coming full circle, what kind of friend do you want to be?
Does it match the kind of friend that you are today?
We all make choices. Those choices have tradeoffs.
Conscious or unconscious. You can’t be all things to all people.
You can’t be the perfect friend in every situation to everyone.
At some point, you have to choose.
These are the choices I’ve made for myself. The tradeoffs I’ve accepted.
If any of my friends are reading this, I’m sorry I can’t be or do it all.
But I love you. And appreciate you accepting what I do have to give.
"You can't be all things to all people." - very important lesson that I think many of us don't learn early enough
it starts with the intentionality 🙌